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Thread: Global alert levels

  1. #1
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    Default Global alert levels

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
    terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
    "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
    "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross"
    since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have
    been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time
    the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great
    fire of 1666.



    The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to
    "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the
    reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last
    300 years.



    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised
    its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
    France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
    recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
    paralyzing the country's military capability.



    It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of
    alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly"
    to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
    Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."



    The Germans also increased their alert state from
    "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They
    also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".



    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
    and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .



    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines
    ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the
    new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.



    Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on
    all of their allies, just in case.



    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from
    "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being
    a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy
    boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of
    escalation, which is "*!***!***!***!**, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".



    Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from
    "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain,
    "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The
    barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
    final escalation level.

  2. #2
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    global terrorism is in major decline,this had terrorism units across the world baffled.
    after a joint conference involving the major anti terrorist groups from 13 different countries they came to they conclusion that singer susan boyle is the reason behind the sharp decline in terrorism.
    apparently they suicide bombers now knowing what a virgin looks like are not so keen to blow them selves up

  3. #3
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    Nice work Ozzie,

  4. #4
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    Where do you come up with these replys

  5. #5
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    We have no terrorism since we moved


  6. #6
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    I think I've got a bit of Australian blood in me, while the British government have just stepped up to "Peeved" status, I am firmly in the "she'll be right mate" camp, we have had to deal with Irish bombings on a regular basis for many years then at last we get a successful IRA ceasefire with no major Irish bombings for the last 10 years or so, then we have 1 real suicide bombing and 2 plots that got stopped in the last 10 years and the our government is up in arms starting a un-winnable war in Afganistan and infringing our civil liberties.

    Even if we wiped out every Al-Qa'ida member in Afganistan which I see as virtually impossible given that the might of the USSR couldn't beat the Mujahideen there and we are deploying a fraction of their resources, would that mean we were at any less risk or more risk from sympathisers in our own countries that are peeved that we have just killed their friends and family back home, those arrested in the 2 failed plots over here were British citizens.

    We are now in the process of installing full body scanners in all our airports, so you have to have some guy in a box looking at your genitals on a screen just to take a plane ride, all the security measures we take are pointless, there will always be targets of opportunity and we are just moving them around, there has been much higher security in airports recently so much so that there are restrictions on what you can take with you and we have to get to the airport two hours early to wait in line for security checks, costing our countries fortunes, and to what avail, even if it is now impossible to get a bomb aboard a plane and blow up 500 people on a 747 now which I doubt, there is now often a queue of over 1000 people waiting for security checks, which is the better target?


    At what point will the governments realise that the terrorists have already won, and are winning more ground the more we think about their cause and alter our lives. There will always be a threat, it is best to just ignore it and live our lives as normally as we can.

  7. #7
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    Oh I do not think terrorist's are that scary, I mean

    What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?










    A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

  8. #8
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    And then there is terrorist TV

    Taliban TV Guide

    MONDAYS:
    8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
    8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
    9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
    9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
    10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

    TUESDAYS:
    8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
    8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
    9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
    9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
    10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

    WEDNESDAYS:
    8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
    8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
    9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
    9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
    10:00 - "Veilwatch"

    THURSDAYS:
    8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
    8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
    9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
    9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
    10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

    FRIDAYS:
    8:00 - "Judge Laden"
    8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
    9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
    9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
    10:00 - "No-witness News"

  9. #9
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    Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?










    A: Because the camels can't handle it.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by andym View Post
    Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?










    A: Because the camels can't handle it.
    Do they do boat driving classes? I might sign up

  11. #11
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    Do they do boat driving classes? I might sign up
    Mate do camels swim??

  12. #12
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    well i have just the thing for the Taliban,if each terrorist is given a dose or two of these they will stop blowing things up
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