The 1st FREEBIE of 2010

[egneg]

A picture is worth a thousand words ...

[badag98]

Once we had George Bush, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope..........

Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope...

[badag98]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there..


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies..



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that *!***!***!***!**.

[properchopper]

Q : What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic ?

A : Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a DOG

[Punisher 67]

NOTE:Please take time to read this slowly.If you pay attention to the two judges , the reaction to the third is even better . For those of you who live and have lived in Texas , you know how True this is!!They actually have a chilli cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town . It takes up a large propotion of the parking lot at the astradome!!

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER: Notes from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank , who was visiting texas from the east recently . I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook off . The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing at the judges table asking for directions to the beer wagon , when the call came . I was assured by the other 2 judges (native texans) that the chilli would'nt be all that spicy , and besides , i could have free beer during the testing , So i accepted.
here are the score cards from the event

CHILLI #1 MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILLI
JUDGE 1: A little to heavy on the tomato,Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2: Nice tomato flavour,very mild.
FRANK: Holy $hit , what the hell is this? It could remove dried paint from your driveway . Took me 2 beers to put the flames out . I hope this is the worst one . These Texans are crazy.

CHILLI #2 AUTHORS AFTERBURNER CHILLI
JUDGE 1: Smokey with a hint of pork , Slight jalapeano tang
Judge 2: Exciting BBQ flavour,needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: What the hell was i supposed to taste besides pain . I had to wave off people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver . They had to rush me more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILLI #3 FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI
JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick , needs more beans
JUDGE 2: A beanless chilli , a bit salty , good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA ,i've located an uranium spill!! My nose feels like i have been snorting drano . Everyone knows the routine by now , get me more beer before i ignite . Barmaid pounded me on the back , now my backbone is part of my chest .I'm getting $hit faced from all the beer.

CHILLI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE 1: Black bean chilli with almost no spice , very dissappointing.
JUDGE 2: Hint of lime in the black beans , good side dish for fish or other mild foods , not much of a chilli.
FRANK: i felt something! scaping across my tongue , but was unable to taste it . Is it possible to burn out taste buds?? Sally the barmaid is standing behind me with fresh refills . that 300lb women is starting to look HOT , just like this nuculear waste i'm eating . Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.
JUDGE 1: Meaty , strong chilli . Cayenne peppers , freshly ground,adding considerable kick,Impressive
JUDGE 2: Chilli using shreaded beef ,could use more tomato . Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing , sweat is pouring off my forehead , i can no longer focuss my eyes . I farted and 4 peaople behind me need paramedics . The contestant seemed offended when i told her , her chilli had given me brain damage . Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher . I wonder if i'm burning my lips off . It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming . Screw those rednecks

CHILLI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARITY
JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold variety chilli . Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2: The best yet!Aggressive use of peppers , onions and garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfric flames . I $hit on myself when i farted and i'm worried it will eat thru the chair . None seems inclined to stand behind me . except Sally She must be kinkier than i thought . Can't feel my lips anymore and need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILLI #7 SUSANS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI
JUDGE 1: A mediocre chilli , with not too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2: Ho Hum,tastes like the chef threw in a can of chilli peppers right at the last moment . I should take note that i am worried about judge 3 He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth , pull the pin and i still would'nt feel a thing . I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water . My shirt is covered with chilli which slid out of my mouth . My pants are full of lava like $hit to match my shirt . At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me . I'm going to stop breathing,i'ts to painfull . Screw it,i'm not getting any oxygen anyway . If i need air i'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI #8 LESTERS LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVERS CHILLI
JUDGE 1: A perfect ending , this is a nice blend chilli , safe for all not to bold , but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE 2:This final entry is a good balanced chilli Neither mild or hot . Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge 3 passed out , fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself . Not sure if he's going to make it . Poor Yank wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chilli???

[domwilson]

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

[domwilson]

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

[domwilson]

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

[domwilson]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[ksm2001]

This was a true posted newspaper add. I removed the phone number.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (XXX) XXX-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

[ksm2001]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot
down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they
do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting
in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday
suit.

He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............On
the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him
to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you
want."

So here I am.

[nickm669]

how is it you can sue walmart if you fall, mcdonalds if you get fat, but you can't sue budweiser for all the ugly people you f**k?

[nickm669]

I bought new deodorant today. It said take off top and push up bottom. It's hard to walk, but my farts smell freakin awesome!

[nickm669]

let's test the way you think! THEPENISINMYMOUTH



Did you read The Pen Is In My Mouth? Hell no you didn't ---weenie licker

[nickm669]

What kind of bees make milk?


Boobies!

[nickm669]

The math teacher asks, "what comes after 69?" the girl replies, "you wash your face and rinse your mouth!!.....duh!!!"

[badag98]

Subject: Guns vs. Women


Ten reasons men prefer guns over women.....

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on
the road.

8. If you admire a friends gun and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a
backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn't ask , "do these new grips make me look fat" ?

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.

[Diegoboy]

Sorry everyone, I failed to say "5pm Eastern time" You have less than 1 hour to get your entry in.

[Diegoboy]

I've got the top ones listed, but I find it difficult to choose just one. Still deciding...

[Diegoboy]

I eliminated a few more by reading the top ones a second time. If it's funny after you've heard it before, that makes it a good one.

[Diegoboy]

I have it down to five...

[bustitup]

If it's funny after you've heard it before, that makes it a good one.

very very true i also find that if it literally makes you laugh out loud than its a killer


when you posted this contest it was late late at night and I was sleeping....my blackberry sits on my nightstand and when it triggers I pick it up and read it (yes I am addicted to not missing any deals in the swap shop) which also emails me

so when I saw the contest I immediately thought of one of my most favorite jokes that makes me LOL and my wife popped her head up out of a sound sleep and says what the hell are you laughing at

[Diegoboy]

The top 5 that I'm working with are as follows...

In numerical order

Post # 10
Post # 21
Post # 35
Post # 39
Post # 43

I apologize for the funny ones that didn't make the cut.

[Diegoboy]

Reading the 5 a third time...

[Diegoboy]

I had to use a random number generator...
The winner will be #1 on the list.

[Diegoboy]

Congratulations nickm669

[domwilson]

Congrats Nick! Good Job.

[Diegoboy]

Thanks everyone for the laughs. I don't think I'll do another "joke" thread because my sides hurt...

[egneg]

Laughter is the best medicine!

[nickm669]

thank you very much. Never expected to win. Just took a shot in the dark. Now if someone could please start a giveaway for an esc. Nick