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Heath M
02-05-2009, 11:52 PM
Hey guys i found this joke cleaning out my email inbox today and thought I'd share with you all. I did post this on RR a few years ago so some of you may have read it there..
Hope you enjoy :laugh:

NOTE:Please take time to read this slowly.If you pay attention to the two judges,the reaction to the third is even better.For those of you who live and have lived in Texas,you know how True this is!!They actually have a chilli cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town.It takes up a large propotion of the parking lot at the astradome!!
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER: Notes from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank,who was visiting texes from the east recently.I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook off.The original judge called in sick at the last momentand i happened to be standing at the judges table asking for directions to the beer wagon,when the call came.I was assured by the other 2 judges(native texans)that the chilli would'nt be all that spicy,and besides,i could have free beer during the testing,So i accepted.
here are the score cards from the event
CHILLI #1 MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILLI
JUDGE 1:A little to heavy on the tomato,Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2:Nice tomato flavour,very mild.
FRANK:Holy SH*T,what the hell is this?It could remove dried paint from your driveway.Took me 2 beers to put the flames out.I hope this is the worst one.These Texans are crazy.
CHILLI #2 ARTHORS AFTERBURNER CHILLI
JUDGE 1:Smokey with a hint of pork,Slight jalapeano tang
Judge 2:Exciting BBQ flavour,needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK:What the hell was i supposed to taste besides pain.Ihad to wave off people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.They had to rush me more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILLI #3 FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI
JUDGE 1 :Excellent firehouse chilli!Great kick,needs more beans
JUDGE 3: A beanless chilli,a bit salty,good use of peppers.
FRANK:Call the EPA,i've located an uranium spill!! My nose feels like i have been snorting drano.Everyone knows the routine by now,get me more beer before i ignite.Barmaid pounded me on the back,now my backbone is part of my chest.I'm getting sh*tfaced from all the beer.
CHILLI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE 1:Back bean chilli with almost no spice,very dissappointing.
JUDGE 2:Hint of lime in the black beans,good side dish for fish or other mild foods,not much of a chilli.
FRANK:i felt something! scaping across my tongue,but was unable to taste it.Is it possible to burn out taste buds??Sally,the barmaid is standing behind me with fresh refills.that 300lb.women is starting to look HOT,just like this nuculear waste i'm eating.Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.
JUDGE 1:Meaty,strong chilli.Cayenne peppers,freshly ground,adding considerable kick,Impressive
JUDGE 2:Chilli using shreaded beef,could use more tomato.Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK:My ears are ringing,sweat is pouring off my forehead,i can no longer focuss my eyes.I farted and 4 peaople behind me need paramedics.The contestant seemed offended when i told her,her chilli had given me brain damage.Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring berr directly on it from a pitcher.I wonder if i'm burning my lips off.It really p!$$es me off that the othe judges asked me to stop sceaming.Screw those rednecks
CHILLI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARITY
JUDGE 1:Thin yet bold variety chilli.Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2:The best yet!Aggressive use of peppers,onions and garlic.Superb.
FRANK:My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfric flames.I sh*t on myself when i farted and i'm worried it will eat thru the chair.Noone seems inclined to stand behind me.except Sally.She must be kinkier than i thought.Can't feel my lips anymore,and need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.
CHILLI #7 SUSANS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI
JUDGE 1:A mediocre chilli,with not too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2:Ho Hum,tastes like the chef threw in a can of chilli peppers right at the last moment.I should take note that i am worried about judge 3.He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK:You could put a grenade in my mouth,pull the pin and i still would'nt feel a thing.I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.My shirt is covered with chilli which slid out of my mouth.My pants are full of lava like sh*t to match my shirt.At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.I'm going to stop breathing,i'ts to painfull.Screw it,i'm not getting any oxygen anyway.If i need air,i'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILLI #8 LESTERS LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVERS CHILLI
JUDGE 1: A perfect ending,this is a nice blend chilli,safe for all,not to bold,but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE 2:This final entry is a good balanced chilli.Neither mild or hot.Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge 3 passed out,fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.Not sure if he's going to make it .Poor Yank,wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chilli???

Punisher 67
02-07-2009, 02:26 PM
I have that one in my Note pad archives and dug this one up , another on of my favorites

The Hunter

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling , and the

86-year-old said ,Things are great and I've never felt better.

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and

then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter

and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane

instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,

"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."..................................:ohmy:

Heath M
02-07-2009, 02:58 PM
Thats a good one Peter :laugh:

Heath

Punisher 67
02-08-2009, 01:51 AM
Heath someone just emailed this to me , I thought it worthy of posting

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...................:laugh::laugh:

Flying Scotsman
02-08-2009, 12:55 PM
Peter, that is the truth.

When, I was young and full of spunk. I had to go the doctor and was asked the same question. The nurse was very pretty and I stated I had a penis that was sore when I took a piss. The waiting room crowd gave me a long look, as I went back to a seat.
This is a true story and after lab results the doc informed me that I was going at it too hard and no it was not a sheep but a very sexy girl from Canada.

Douggie

Punisher 67
02-08-2009, 02:18 PM
LOL.........Well Douggie I am very happy that it wasn't a sheep...........LOL

I almost spit my coffee into the keyboard reading your reply